And we’re packing again. Being here, being there - that you don’t mind, you could never mind. That you love. It’s the coming and going that sucks. It’s that damn bittersweet feeling you thought you had bled all out last spring, but it just keeps flowing back in and you’ll be damned if it doesn’t course right through you.

You understand very well that heavy settling means heavy uprooting, and that is why long stays give and take. It’s emotional turmoil even though you know it should not be, even though you know it’s only the drumroll that is a bit sad, and not the actual performance.

It reminds you of her, and how it’s four years gone and you still do not know how to cope with her absence, how you are still searching for better ways to be sad. You have realized, though, that it is not so much her absence that makes you feel lonely, but her absence topped off with the feeling of being left behind.

So the truth comes out. Insecurity #307 and #308, respectively: You fear being left behind; you do not like being away. But where are you really away from when you are home in all places?

It hurts like loss even though it isn’t, and you’ll be damned once more if that doesn’t scare you.