March 2012
1 post
2 tags
Hi, please fill out this survey for my research... →
February 2012
3 posts
2 tags
Or would it be a waste, even if I knew my place?
Here is another discovery to add to the list - you can be homesick for the bad times, too, for the things you do not necessarily want to repeat. You can have a terrible day that resonates all of the horrible things that would happen in a place, and still miss it. Because as much as you can want to leave a place, that desire to leave can always be overshadowed by a reason to stay - the safety of...
2 tags
Shake it out
Something about rushing surges of happiness that drive up your stomach, filling it on the way, and then cascade through your heart, make your nose tingle and eyes watery, about not understanding or knowing but you’ll take it over absolutely anything (only the foolish and regretfully pampered pause to consider). Something about good music that rouses your limp nerves, something about knocking...
3 tags
"Basically, what we have here is a dreamer."
Once upon a time, there lived a girl who dreamed - of nothing in particular, although she was not a boring girl. Rather, this girl dreamed of everything, of soaring weightlessly through blue skies and bright, spring awakenings and a big white house with blue shutters (yes, just like Allie and Noah’s) and a fantastically epic love worth writing about (this, too, admittedly, like Allie and...
January 2012
9 posts
1 tag
rroyo replied to your post: Innocence, where art thou? (darling, don’t you ever grow up)
Can we just drop out of our respective UCs, fly to Japan and teach little Japanese children English with flowers in our hair??
Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes <3
2 tags
Innocence, where art thou? (darling, don't you...
She checked the closets, the pantries, under the bed, under the table - all the obvious places and then some others. She called its name and waited, but it’s not there. She does not know where it is. She does not know where it went.
She is ashamed to admit she did not even notice it leave - must have slipped out the back door some time during her preoccupation with moving forward, with...
2 tags
We will never touch the ground (You know that you...
You love by night - by crescent (and full) moons, by chilling breezes, by sparkling stars, by sparkling souls. By night, your secrets run loose, unguardedly released in your drunken haze. (Night intoxicates you - mind, soul, heart. This is not something you can help.) The darkness makes you feel both safe and vulnerable - a blanket and an open expanse - and so you are wrapped and exposed all at...
1 tag
New soul
“Good days. They come around the oddest corners.” - Colum McCann
Yesterday was good even though you did not wake up thinking it would be. And those are the best days, you think, the ones that surprise you. Yesterday was good for no spectacular reasons - good company, good weather, good vibes, from start to finish.
You missed these.
You’re happy. And how often can you so easily...
2 tags
Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame...
Sometimes I don’t believe in staying happy if only because finding happiness, that’s the best feeling - far surpassing any kind of consistency. And I would take a little darkness if that meant I could later watch the lights rise, because sometimes the sad days, those are just there to remind me that there are better days, and these better days are coming, and when they do, well, excuse...
1 tag
To build castles in the air
You want it so badly that you turn things that are not into things that seem to be. Doesn’t matter what, circumstances increasingly irrelevant - you just want to fill the craving (dare we say void?).
It’s not real. Maybe none of this has been real, was ever real.
You miss the shyness.
It’s not there anymore. All you want to do is drown in it, but it’s not there.
Crossing lines
We spend our entire lives crossing lines but then one day it actually means something, hits that soft spot we’re so used to covering, and we freeze.
This one is a little harder.
You want to know my greatest challenge?
1 tag
It's come to this, release me
And we’re packing again. Being here, being there - that you don’t mind, you could never mind. That you love. It’s the coming and going that sucks. It’s that damn bittersweet feeling you thought you had bled all out last spring, but it just keeps flowing back in and you’ll be damned if it doesn’t course right through you.
You understand very well that heavy...
2 tags
MMXI Part Finale
The best kind of goodbyes hold no regrets.
2011 did not give me much, but in 2011 I gave to myself - wrapping up, starting new, strengthening of the “lifts-you-higher”, disposing of the cancers, active doing, hurting, healing, pouring out, taking in, falling down, standing up. 2011 treated me to rewards for everything I always thought about giving up on but never did, to reasons to...
1 tag
Every year, but it never gets old.
December 2011
15 posts
4 tags
December Part IV
It takes a San Francisco December to make you feel the holidays. Like, really feel. Not just that stressful rush to buy the perfect gifts and then wrap them just as neatly or that gleeful and relieved welcome of a long-awaited vacation, but the intensely euphoric feeling that the soulful amalgamation of holiday music and lights and winter and pure spirit ignite. You understand this feeling as...
1 tag
A drop in the ocean, a change in the weather.
She thought about before, when she was young and believed that all things were made for a reason, and not just to be broken.
4 tags
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers.
Sober, Kelly Clarkson
3 tags
December Part III: Peppermint
December drowns in peppermint everythings.
It is cold and dark. The tall, withering trees are bare save for lingering raindrops dangling on emaciated branch tips, the ground glazed with remains of puddles that never seem to dry completely before the next rain. But the lights are up. The lights are up and children, teenagers, adults and elders alike are breathing heavily just to see their breath...
She takes a step back to look at her masterpiece. She built it all by herself, for herself.
What a beautiful castle in the air.
3 tags
December Part II
It is December.
It is December, December, December, and it makes you feel telling chills and the safe warmth of blanket cocoons and the absence of snow and dying memories and going back and the end. It makes you feel loud music and soft hums, pulsing veins and weakened hearts and tears against your eyelids. It makes you feel the finish and it makes you feel the start and it makes you feel the...
1 tag
Left my heart in ________.
You’ve made a home here, too.
This is clear to you now. Not the way it felt clear the first week, when everything floated. Not even the way it feels now, knowing you are leaving soon.
It is home in the sense that sometimes you want to escape, and sometimes you cannot imagine being anywhere else. It is home in the sense that the people you love are here, and in the sense that there are...
2 tags
You deserve to be here.
You deserve to be here.
You deserve to be here.
You did not need that reassurance today to know that. You did not need to repeat the phrase to yourself until you had heard it so many times it just had to be real. You, yourself, should always know this, you tell yourself.
And so you will.
“Her eyes were the color of faraway love.”
– Pablo Neruda, The Fable of the Mermaid and the Drunks (via fleurishes)
4 tags
December Part I
December brings you back.
December brings you back to your warm toes curling in the sloppy, meshy sand and the blue, blue waves crashing at your feet, brings you back to the best kind of clouds in the best kind of places. December brings you back to drunken swaying on your bare tippy toes, arms wrapped around and around and around, all around, to laughter so intoxicating it tears up and ignites...
1 tag
And bring on all the pretenders, one day we will...
Even the silliest things are a slight bit endearing to you now.
Because now you can relate. Because now you have hope. Because now it hurts. Because now it is beautiful, not lame. Not stupid, not naive.
You are back to the way you were, when you were young and believed in things.
You understand it. You thought you had before, but you did not know the half of it then (to be honest, you probably...
3 tags
“All things seemed to converge there: roads and wagon trails, canyons with...”
– Ceremony, by Leslie Marmon Silko
2 tags
“He looked up through the branches and the leaves, which were yellow and soft,...”
– Ceremony, by Leslie Marmon Silko
1 tag
“They are fools. They blame us, the ones who look different. That way they...”
– Ceremony, by Leslie Marmon Silko
1 tag
“Fear made him remember important things.”
– Ceremony, by Leslie Marmon Silko
2 tags
“She taught me this above all else: things which don’t shift and grow are...”
– Ceremony, by Leslie Marmon Silko
1 tag
“In that hospital they don’t bury the dead, they keep them in rooms and...”
– Ceremony, by Leslie Marmon Silko
1 tag
“Josiah said that only humans had to endure anything, because only humans...”
– Ceremony, by Leslie Marmon Silko
November 2011
22 posts
1 tag
There was something about that week that just made you feel tremendously special. You took it for granted because you felt the potential everywhere, not just there. You took it for granted, but now you want it back — now that the other is lost. You have to have something.
And you cannot even begin to explain how weak that makes you feel.
3 tags
1 tag
Some things tie your life together, slender...
There is nothing like being home.
There is nothing like being there, and nothing like being here.
You can already feel the pain of your secret urge to stretch yourself out. You want to be everywhere all the time. You don’t like being away. You don’t like the missing.
Even if it shows that you connected, even if it means that you love, even if it is really only a sign of how much you...
3 tags
Happy birthday.
11/23, Flight 518.
T minus one hour and twenty minutes.
You feel the same. They tell you this, of course. They all tell you there is no difference, no monumental change.
You feel the same but you know in your heart, in your bones, in your very limbs, that there must be more. You trust there are bigger things - grown-up things you were not allowed to touch before. You are about to receive the...
2 tags
November Part III
Oh, but there is a reason November is your favorite. And here it is, right in front of you, the gift of all gifts. You have not forgotten.
2 tags
Pour a little salt, we were never here.
This is how I will remember you. You may change and you may grow - taller, wiser, more experienced, all good things, I would hope. You may discover new worlds and leave mine (for the record, I hope you do not). Or maybe I will do these things. Call it selfish, call it foolish, call it whatever you want, but mountains may move and rivers may dry and the world may be different, very different, but...
When everything else grows old, when everything...
This song won’t.
2 tags
November Part II
November this time is a little bit sad. November is wistful regrets and nagging sorrows and losing yourself, again and again and again. Dull aches, shivering hands. November is up in your face, November is down in the corners. November is rain that you do not know how to take in.
But you know November gets better.
You find good in seemingly bad places. That is what you do. You find good.
2 tags
Can we pour some water on?
You do not hear the rain the way you hear the rain back home. It is pelting and it is wet and it is drizzly and then calm and how dumb - you do not recognize it.
It is not the same, but it is raining, God, it is raining, and it still makes you feel so real.
She sauntered over to the edge of the world and took a deep breath.
Now. Now. Now. Now.
1 tag
Of course you still care. You may pretend you do not. You may tell yourself you do not. You may not even want to, intend to. But you do, and to be honest, you do not think you will ever stop. Of course you care. You do not know how to do anything else.
2 tags
November Part I
Stale chills. But you are ready for the real ones.
I can’t seem to see you. To feel you. Where are you?
I miss you quite terribly.
(If we are being honest, I miss us even more.
But I guess we are not being honest.)
2 tags
“Nothing can wear you out like caring about people.”
– That Was Then, This Is Now; S.E. Hinton (via loveandsomeotherverses)
Yes, it hurt, and no, I am not yet healed, but it’s okay, because you made me believe in things I am not sure I believed in before.
1 tag
All that I know is I don’t know How to be something you miss
Last Kiss, Taylor Swift